


catharsis

by chopinseimei



Series: and who said you're one in a million? [1]
Category: Figure Skating RPF
Genre: :D, Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Getting Back Together, M/M, Post-Break Up, Sad Shit but then it's not sad, uhhh basically
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-02-27
Updated: 2018-02-27
Packaged: 2019-03-24 21:34:13
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,604
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13819881
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/chopinseimei/pseuds/chopinseimei
Summary: 'After the breakup, Shoma doesn’t know what to feel.Anger, sadness, confusion, and, what’s become his latest addition to the list, emptiness. He’s come to the conclusion that even if Yuzuru had loved him at some point, he doesn’t now. Those long nights spent in hotel rooms spent with eachother, hands held and lips brushing and legs entangled, maybe they were real, but the last few months were like a countdown and as soon as it hits zero Shoma finds himself biting back tears all over again.No more dates; five months.No more late night conversations; four.Yuzuru stops calling him nearly as much as he used to; three.Yuzuru stops kissing him; two.Yuzuru stops loving him (if he ever loved him in the first place); one.Yuzuru breaks up with him.Zero.'





	catharsis

>   **I wish I’d never left you.**

After the breakup, Yuzuru isolates himself completely. Forgets all he knows except skating, practices until his lungs feel like they’re about to explode and his breath comes out harsh and Brian is practically forcing him off of the ice. He stays off the internet if it isn’t to study, which he does when he’s not lying in bed or sitting on the sofa wondering what’s next.

Javi retired not too long ago. Of course, it was bound to happen eventually, but the day he left for Spain, Yuzuru found himself feeling emptier than ever. Maybe that’s what made it worse; him becoming easily irritated, never satisfied with his skating, closing himself off to all but one.

And then he’d closed himself off to _him,_ too.

Shoma didn’t deserve to be treated like he was, during the final months of what they’d had; the other was constantly making efforts to improve Yuzuru’s mood, still cheery and enthusiastic about skating despite his lover’s sudden apathy to just about everything. Yuzuru’s surprised that Shoma hadn’t been the one to do it, but.. Shoma was- not naive, but something too close to it. He’d still thought Yuzuru would come back from this, like every other injury, come back stronger and stronger like when he’d won his second Olympic title despite the odds.

But he hadn’t, and when they’d both been absolutely ecstatic from their medals at Worlds, he’d told Shoma that they couldn’t do this anymore, and suddenly the silence felt so much more welcoming. Shoma crying, Shoma shouting, Shoma whispering, all Shoma, all in that voice that made Yuzuru realise that he shouldn’t have done this, that there was a way out of his recent slump but it wasn’t this. But he can’t take it back. It’s already done and Shoma’s storming out of the room in a flurry of tears and hushed cries.

Yuzuru hadn’t said a word.

>   **But you did anyway.**

After the breakup, Shoma doesn’t know what to feel.

Anger, sadness, confusion, and, what’s become his latest addition to the list, emptiness. He’s come to the conclusion that even if Yuzuru had loved him at some point, he doesn’t now. Those long nights spent in hotel rooms spent with eachother, hands held and lips brushing and legs entangled, maybe they were real, but the last few months were like a countdown and as soon as it hits zero Shoma finds himself biting back tears all over again.

No more dates; five months.

No more late night conversations; four.

Yuzuru stops calling him nearly as much as he used to; three.

Yuzuru stops kissing him; two.

Yuzuru stops loving him (if he ever loved him in the first place); one.

Yuzuru breaks up with him.

Zero.

Maybe Yuzuru stopped loving him earlier, maybe their kisses stopped earlier, maybe the late night conversations started being a burden long ago, maybe, maybe, maybe.

Maybe Yuzuru could have said something. Just told him whatever was wrong and he could’ve fixed it, but then Shoma reminds himself that some things just can’t be fixed, and maybe their relationship was one of them. Yet he can’t help thinking about what would’ve happened if Yuzuru had stayed happy, hadn’t fallen out of love at some point. What if he hadn’t broken up with him, what if they’d lasted long after Yuzuru retired, what if they’d gotten married, started a family, even-

Shoma finds himself drowning in maybes and what ifs, suddenly unable to find some peace of mind because when he isn’t thinking about skating it’s all Yuzuru.

When he picks his music for his short program next season, it’s slow, volume increasing in only a few spots but mournful and whispering of lost love nonetheless. However, he doesn't understand the English lyrics; he tried translating to Japanese, but Google translate has never been a friend with him. So he doesn't really know what the song means.

Maybe Yuzuru would.

What if he got the message behind it, too?

>   **Why didn’t you come back to me?**

During practice Yuzuru finds himself waiting for something. Ever since Javier left it’s been too quiet, too empty, and at first Yuzuru thinks that’s what’s wrong.

But then he realises that he’d been checking his phone more often than usual, always going to text someone, and then he realises that his thumb always hovers over Shoma’s contact, where the last message is Yuzuru’s: ‘We need to talk.’

And then it’s not just practice that’s empty.

No more random texts from Shoma at 3am, rambling about new programs or just sending a picture he’d found funny. He doesn’t spend his day thinking about their exchanged ‘I love you’s over voice chat, how sometimes Shoma would fall asleep and Yuzuru would too, to the sound of his boyfriend snoring softly (and, sometimes, how Itsuki would come in just to wake Shoma up, because siblings are like that.)

There’s just… nothing.

There’s static and white noise in place of the ‘I love you’s, blades scraping against the ice in place of Shoma’s laugh, visions of new programs in place of his smile, falls and popped jumps instead of held hands and connected lips.

Yuzuru practices his Quad Axel and wonders if Shoma is doing the same, like he’d promised all those months ago- first to land it orders the loser around for a week. He falls and wonders if Shoma is having this much trouble with it. He lands (shakily, underrotated) and wonders if Shoma even thinks about him at all.

>   **You didn’t want me to.**

Shoma’s resigned himself to a career of depressing programs. Not because it’s the only music that he listens to these days (which is, admittedly, a bit true,) but because now, his skating feels.. Heavy, almost. Movements fluid yet so weighed down in a way that portrays the mood of his program almost too perfectly, which Mihoko picks up on almost immediately. She asks him about it only once, and he doesn’t remember what his exact answer was, only that it was extremely vague, because even now she’s trying to read his expression as he goes through his program again.

They’re flying out for their next competition in a few days, and he knows who’s going to be there, in the same hotel as him, less than a few floors away.

Yuzuru.

Thinking of him makes Shoma feel… something. Though he supposes something- even if he doesn’t know what that is- is better than nothing. But there’s just.. So much. Pain, because he remembers those dark eyes, staring after him before he’d stormed out of the room. Anger, because of those lips that didn’t move, even as Shoma cried and shouted and screamed. Confusion, because he still doesn’t know why Yuzuru did it, because the few days left after Worlds were spent avoiding eachother like the plague.

He changes his mind; the emptiness might have been excruciating, but this storm of emotions that comes and goes as it pleases is so much worse.

He sets up his Triple Axel and has to remind himself not to try a Quad; one, because Yuzuru had been the one to set him that challenge in the first place, and two, the axel is a hard jump for him as just a Triple and trying it as a Quad would probably make Mihoko kill him before the landing does.

He falls, having spent too long in his thoughts and not actually paying attention to doing the jump. Mihoko sighs, but doesn’t comment as Shoma simply shakes his head and goes to leave the ice.

He needs to focus; stop thinking about Yuzuru, stop thinking about his perfect eyes (that didn’t look back) stop thinking about his perfect smile (that he hadn’t seen in far too long) stop thinking about his hands (so expressive, but shaky and unmoving during their last moments) stop thinking about-

Stop thinking about what they _were._

They’re nothing now.

>   **You know I still love you, right?**

Yuzuru tries his hardest to avoid Shoma, but with them being two of the biggest names in figure skating and representing the same country, they were bound to get dragged into press conferences and interviews together.

So he stands, trying not to look too stiff (he’s a good actor; he knows he looks convincing enough) while he’s shoulder-to-shoulder with his ex boyfriend.

~~He wants to remove the ‘ex’ part of that label, tear it apart and stomp on it until there’s nothing left.~~

“So,” an interviewer begins, in English. “Mr. Hanyu, your new short program has caused a lot of speculation as to what it’s about. What is this program about, to you?” Ah. He was both dreading and hoping for this question. He doesn’t really know why he was feeling the latter, but the former is due to the boy next to him, suddenly too close and looking at Yuzuru as he gives himself a few moments to think of the right words.

“This program.. For now I want everyone.." he pauses again, trying to gather his thoughts. "..to think what it’s about themselves,” he says, finishing with a tight-lipped smile. Shoma’s not looking at him anymore, doesn’t look again until he gets a question about his own program (in Japanese, because despite Yuzuru’s efforts Shoma’s English is still abysmal) and glances at Yuzuru for a brief second, eyes shimmering, before he launches into an explanation that Yuzuru is lost in by the first few words. But everyone looks a little awestruck after, so he assumes Shoma had gone into another ramble that sounded more like poetry than anything. He almost smiles, until he remembers that he hadn’t heard one of those since the night before they broke up.

On the roof of the hotel, holding their newly-earned medals to their chests, everything had been so perfect. Until it hadn’t, when their facades (or maybe just Yuzuru’s. Shoma still loves him, he knows.) finally cracked and the perfect picture went with it. But then..

Shoma had told him that night that he’d finally achieved his goal. It wasn’t the gold medal, it wasn’t a world record, he’d murmured. It was finally getting to say that he and Yuzuru were equal. Less than a point’s difference in overall score, and Yuzuru had beat his own world record.

But that’s what shattered everything, when Yuzuru had lay in his bed after telling Shoma to go back to his room. When he’d remembered the other’s disappointed look even as he waved and smiled before he’d stepped into the elevator. Replaying the scene in his mind, Shoma’s glimmering eyes, content smile, hair dancing in the breeze, voice as soft as starlight.

He hadn’t deserved it at all.

>   **Maybe that’s what hurt the most.**

Shoma can’t sleep.

After the short program, now 12AM. He’d done horribly, and just about everyone else had too, but the knowledge that Yuzuru was here, skating right after him, had shaken him up in the moments before he was meant to skate and before he knew it he was falling, falling, falling.

But Yuzuru…

Yuzuru had done the best out of them all. One fall, two popped jumps, but the other components of his program kept him afloat- first place, and he’d probably stay there after the free skate too. His program had been overflowing with emotion in all the right places; a whisper of misery during a step sequence, a faint thought of loneliness during spins and a scream of longing during the jumps, properly executed or otherwise. Despite all it’s flaws, it had been perfect.

Shoma had been a disaster. Falling on almost all his quads, his Triple Axel doomed from the start. The only things he was 100 percent satisfied with at the end of the day were his cantilever and his spins, but those weren't going to get him a medal.

Fifth place.

He stares up at the ceiling.

He would get his phone out and play something, but Mihoko tells him not to because it’ll make it even harder to fall asleep than it had been in the first place, and he hates to admit she’s kind of right. But as it is now, he can’t sleep, and keeps finding his thoughts trailing back to Yuzuru.

Stop it. Stop it. Stop it.

He knows he’s still in love with him, never had a doubt about it, but now the reality of things are settling in. No more late night talks after competitions, no secretive kisses in the corner of the room when none of the press are watching, no more… well, anything. All that’s between them now is static and lost love. Shoma wishes Yuzuru were here, even if it wasn’t with his arms around him or face buried in the back of his neck, but he isn’t and he won’t ever be. Not anymore.

There’s a knock at the door.

>   **I need to ask you something.**

Shoma answers the door, hair a mess and eyes wild but still gorgeous, and Yuzuru feels all breathless and just wants to kiss him again. But that’s not his anymore, he reminds himself. He gave that all up after Worlds when he kept his mouth shut.

Yuzuru doesn’t know what he wants to get out of this, but he’s tired of the silence. Shoma deserves something better than this.

The door opens a little wider and Shoma pulls him in, expression unreadable, but the messy hair and dimming light in his eyes tells him all he needs to know. Shoma’s been doing the same thing as him for the past few hours; sitting in bed, thinking. Of what exactly, he doesn’t know.

But Yuzuru sits down, and starts talking, and doesn’t stop.

He talks about how much he misses Shoma, how he only notices the little things now that they’re gone, like how his eyes glitter the slightest bit when he’s genuinely happy, or how he’ll smooth down his hair when he’s anxious, or how one hand will always find Yuzuru’s waist when they’re kissing. And he talks about Shoma’s program, how he’d known from the start that it was about him and what he’d done, and he’s so sorry and he knows what he wants now and it isn’t this, the silence and emptiness and hurt. He talks and talks and talks and doesn’t know _how_ to stop, and Shoma just smoothes down a loose strand of hair and swallows.

>   **Make it quick.**

Yuzuru’s lips look soft. Even though he’s talking in rushed sentences and stuttered apologies, he still looks too ethereal, too beautiful. Too lonely, he realises, noting the way that Yuzuru’s fingers tangle up in eachother with nowhere else to go, or how his arms are awkwardly propped up as if they should be around someone else.

He takes one of Yuzuru’s hands and he stops, fingers melting into the shape of his even if they’re shaking. Silence. A faint breath, the slight rustling of the sheets as Yuzuru moves closer.

>   **Hey.**

A whisper, Yuzuru’s hand clutching at Shoma’s nervously. They’re so close.

>   **Do you think we could try this again?**

Yuzuru’s lips feel even softer than they look, familiar against Shoma’s, filling him with warmth even though he still shivers. And there’s that soft look on his face, eyes barely open but dark and speckled with stars. His hands are warm, and one of Shoma’s ends up on his waist at some point, then they’re both lying side by side, still kissing, and Shoma pulls away only for a brief moment, lips barely brushing against Yuzuru’s. He doesn’t want to lose this.

>   **Of course.**

**Author's Note:**

> heyhey!!!!!! i waited the month to make an ao3 just to post this lmao. i hope this wasn't too bad??? im a bit shabby on my writing but this came to me at like 2am and i HAD to do it
> 
> i do have some other stuff that i've been dying to post, but some of them need some more edits before i actually do anything w/ them lmao
> 
> also-- the program shoma chose was wake up by eden, 10/10 song i love it.
> 
> anyways tho, hope you guys enjoyed!!!!


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